In Silence I Trust
by Lujana
Summary: When I close my eyes I can see them dying, falling, crying. I can see nothing but war and violence. A universe without love, without any kind of satisfaction. It’s not my dreams. Not my nightmares. It’s not an illusion. What I see is the truth.
1. Prologue

**This is one of my more InfiniteDark-stories (which means there is much pain in it). No cannon carachters are involved.**

**We've got TWO main characters, a female and a male. There WILL be love, in many ways. Although it's forbidden by a certain someone.**

**But you can't forbid love, can you?**

**I don't own SGA or the Wraith. Although all of the characters were spawned by me.**

**Please note that this story hasn't got anything to do with the universe/ways of Claustrophobia. This is another analysis of the Wraith system.****  
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_Please read and review, I need support. Let me know you're here._**  
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**Prologue**

_Love… there has been much said about love, much more than I'll ever understand or perhaps feel. And yet. I can't understand even a bit about this emotion, how it seems to consume the hearts of others. I have never felt love, and I have never been felt for. Therefore, there shall be no such emotion within my realm, it will be banished and replaced with logic. I will use men to reproduce, and I expect you to do the same. If you disobey my direct order then I shall show no mercy, for this is the way I am._

I remember how she used to walk across the scene, etching every single word deep into our minds. We were sisters and daughters of this cold creature, she was our host and kept us in warm clothes as long as we gave her new soldiers. And she knew. She knew that some of us were longing for men in other ways, she could see us think it, see the way we secretly looked upon mankind. We were born and raised to feel no love, and yet none of us was as cold as she was. Even if our bodies were more worth to her than the bodies of her soldiers, they would offer us no freedom. We were doomed the moment we took our first breath, doomed to become nothing more but reproduction tools in her hands.

I was the only one who dared to hate her. I was the one who was beaten in front of the others to keep them from becoming like me. But did that silent me in any way? No. That wasn't what put me to silence. That wasn't what put a gag on me.

The day came. The hunger came. My body changed in so many ways, all of a sudden I was a woman. A young, beautiful woman. And the queen knew what I was capable of, she could feel my strong aura pushing against her own. I had to be undone.

How old was I? Not even twenty years old. A thin female with small breasts, long, curly white hair and emerald green eyes. That evening I was hungrier than I had ever been, but she refused to give me access to any kind of food. I was mad, worse than ever before. How could she do that to me? For pleasure? Sadistic pleasure? I wished to spit at her face, and she felt it. My despise against her was rising, and she felt so. She knew. And she smiled within my head.

_Calm down, child. Soon you will know that love does no good_.

I should had known that she starved me for a reason. I became weak. I wasn't able to make anything to stop them. When they first brought me into one of the small cells, those used for enemies and captives, I thought it was because of my rage. I was so wrong. I couldn't get out, I threw myself at the door, but got nowhere. My panic took almost all of my last energy. I was pleading for her to let me out, but she wasn't listening to me anymore. And I disgraced myself by crying, tons and tons of tears.

Then they came.

I barely remember them. There was at least five of them. I can't understand them, and I despise them because I have to. Because if I won't despise them, if I won't hate them, then I won't have anything left within. Their hands stole all of my body, I forced myself to believe I wasn't there, I forced myself to believe my body wasn't mine. What I felt didn't have anything to do with me. It was like using a sharp knife to slice my soul to pieces, to cut away all of the disgust.

I hate her for what she did to me that day. I hate her for what she made them do. She forced me to reject myself. And I did. I lost pieces of myself, I sacrificed my sexuality that day. Perhaps similar to the way she had.


	2. 1 The Golden Cage

**_A/N_**_: I feel bad for her. I really do. And it's going to become worse._

_And then we have Ledonian, he's old. I feel bad for him too._

_Gosh, I'm so sadistic when it comes to my poor characters! _

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**1. The golden cage**

**- **

_Chapter one, Part one_

_Hell has no fury like a woman scorned_

_- _

I was pregnant. It was a fact for everyone to see, a fact that made me feel sick about me, about what had happened. I didn't want to have that child. I didn't want to give birth to the result of what I had gone through. I wished to rip through my skin and tear it out. That thing. That thing which made me feel so bad. But I had no time to and as soon as my status was official, I was guided to the hangar. However I was not alone, other women were with me, their status similar to mine. We were going to be shipped to our home world, to live among worshippers and a few carefully selected males until we gave birth. Whatever objection I had, I couldn't speak it. My lips were sealed, my eyes had grown as hard as stone. I think the other females felt something wasn't normal about me, they kept distance more than they'd usually do. I didn't dare to reach out, I had barely faced people since…

"Greetings." I jumped as the doors were shut behind me. My nerves made me feel mad, I disgraced myself in front of a worshipper! _A damn human!_ I cleared my throat and fought against my wish to turn around against the doors and smash my fists onto them. She was waiting for me to speak, the human I mean. When I didn't, she lowered her head in a graceful bow, I sighed at her. "My name is Terna, and I'll be your personal servant as long as you stay here, my mistress." she spoke again, her voice was as clear as cold water. My eyes narrowed; She was young. Almost _too_ young. Slowly I approached her, moving as smoothly as if I hovered several centimetres above the floor. My human was pale, almost as pale as the white clothing she wore. Slowly I reached out my hand and put my fingers at her chin, forcing her to look me straight into the eye. A couple of ice blue eyes met my gaze, she was young, indeed. I was puzzled, but couldn't ask, it wasn't possible. My lips didn't move and I didn't dare to make any trying noises. _Noises_… hastily I withdrew and shut my eyes. For some seconds I could almost feel the pain again, as if they were still inside me. All over me. I took a deep breath and forced myself to look at the girl again. Fifteen, maybe sixteen years old. She was gentle, I could tell. Her long, black hair hung over her shoulders like a curtain, a rather living curtain. _Terna_… oh, if that girl had been a wraith! But she wasn't, and her beauty was to be spoiled by aging and death. I smiled at her, just to assure her I was alright.

But I wasn't.

Nothing could make me feel better.

No one could make me feel alright.

I didn't leave my room for a month, Terna was pleading me to go and feed, she told me that my baby would need the energy. Which was exactly why I wouldn't feed. The creature was killing me from the inside, it constantly made me think of what had happened. If the child died then at least the queen would know I disapproved. If she was to learn it the hard way, then so may it be. A month and a day. That was when Terna gave up and called the one of my kind to come and help. She had been patient, and I was grateful for that. I am also aware of what she did was her duty, she meant no harm. But I fought. I put up a fight against the two males who came to escort me. For a moment I was back, fighting against the same kind of superior creatures, fighting in vain.

One of those males was Tiwek, I didn't know him back then, but I was going to know him. He was going to be important, not only for me, but for many others. I think perhaps they realized that something was wrong. At least Tiwek did, he withdrew and told his comrade to do the same. I didn't need to see their faces to tell what they felt, what the wondered. I knew. I spat at them, hissed and drew back into my room to hide somewhere dark where they couldn't find me.

Terna wasn't there, so I allowed myself to cry. I could find comfort in the mists of loneliness, my heart ached and my soul was beaten, but rather did I put up with that, than to put up with closeness to others.

There were no more attempts done to bring me out from my room. But they did come back, Tiwek and his companion. And I was so hungry that I couldn't control myself anymore, I ate everything they gave to me.

I failed myself.

I was forced to understand that a single individual couldn't change anything.

To accomplish things, I would need help.

-

_Chapter one, Part two_

_Personal logbook of Ledonian, son of Dinaka_

_- _

Dear people, whoever you might be, I give you my greetings and a seat beside me in this hall of guests. My name is Ledonian, but I prefer _Led_, and I shall now lead you through a small passage of events. But first, some corrections and basic information: You might find this room strange, some of you would describe it as "frightening", but I beg you differ. After a century you will be quite used to it, this is a warm and protective place where we keep our young and vulnerable individuals until they are strong enough to go off world. I am one of the caretakers, carefully chosen and raised by the former Queen herself. It is my mission, and I _will_ accomplish what I have been created to do: To take care of and protect people, keep them from harm and so on, is my duty.

However, during the latest centuries times has changed as well as our hive has. The former Queen is no more, the name of pride and justice seems to have become nothing more ghosts and shadows. Whatever will happen in the future is out of my reach, but I tell you this: There's enemies in the mists. Since I am nothing but a simple caretaker, nothing but a puppet without the right to speak, there is nothing I can do to correct this. Nevertheless, my soul wish to protect and bring awareness to my people. This is what I've been raised to prevent.

There are stories among my crew, gossip and dark feelings. I fear for the future of our hive; what the previous Queens have fought so hard to build up is now beginning to rot from the roots. Truth is that many of my minions are filled with despise and hatred against their Queen. If she'd kill everyone who goes against her, there would be no more hive. Of that I'm most convinced.

We're fighting against ourselves. At the same time as we reach out hands, we make sure to bite everything that comes into our reach. And I can do nothing but to sit and watch. It sickens me. It sickens my pride. It makes me wish to feed on myself. To end this meaningless life of mine.

How can I proceed watching, how can they expect me to keep this place warm when I know that the children I care for will step into a world more cold than winter itself?

Tiwek, my brother, once told me that combat is to face the bad things about yourself: If you win you'll be a better person, if you lose you'll have to try again. Maybe he's right. Maybe our present Queen represents a bad piece of each and one of us. But how do we face her? We don't even have the right to. We're not strong enough. She would defeat us with one wave of her hand.

We're like a hive of weak or dying flies.

A collective of morons, swarming around an even huger moron. We do not dare to look away from her blinding light, for what will we find beyond the darkness of her surroundings?

And even though we're solitary beings, we will be afraid of emptiness, of loneliness.

We'd rather die by the hand of an incompetent leader than die alone.

I can't stand it. I can't stand the knowledge, to know that the children I see today will be a part of that mad machine tomorrow.

So this is the way my hive will fall. Not with a fight but with a silent whimper. It almost makes me want to kidnap all the children and save them from this pitiful loss. But I can't. Yet again I can't. I would be a direct cause to their death, and it's harder to bear than to be an indirect cause. We will fall, either way.

Have I lived to watch the end of this era?

Is this what I've been raised and worked for?

Tonight… even suicide seems to tempt my nerve, in all its disgrace.

Please, release me from this nightmare!


	3. 2 Invisible Defense

**_A/N_**_: We've all seen those movies about people locked in at those mental hospitals, haven't we? I still find those movies and books frightening. Because, what if you get locked without being sick? The panic. The fear. To realize that all people around you thinks you're being delirious when you say there's nothing wrong about you..._

_she must feel very much like that, mustn't she?_

_And Ledonian... please tell me what you think of him...  
_

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**2. Invisible defense**

**- **

_Chapter two, part one_

_Giving up is not an option_

_- _

My dark nightdress hung loosely around my body and made the cold steel blade flash dangerously in the damp light. I was mad and he could both see it and feel it. Nothing more. He seemed desperate to reach me with his mind, to ask what was wrong – _hah!_ He wouldn't gain anything. I wouldn't answer, I wasn't even sure that I could. I was a lot quicker than he was and I managed to sneak around him and press the blade against his throat. I almost wished to tear it up, just to feel satisfaction. Just to watch him bleed. But I spared him the pain and rushed down the corridor. Almost no people were around, although that didn't make me feel any better. Sooner or later I was to face people and I felt like a prisoner trying to escape.

My feet against the black floor made almost no sound, but my breathing was unsteady and my teeth gritted against each other. It didn't take long until every single corridor seemed to be a reflection of the one I just recently left. Panic was clutching my heart tightly, whether I wished it or not.

"Madam! Where are you-" _Damn!_ I turned around and met the gaze of three males. The leader frowned at me, I could see his mind working. Slowly I backed away from them, clutching desperately onto my knife. _Damndamndamn…_ I hissed and growled as I withdrew even further. The male made a sprint towards me but missed as I jumped out of his way and proceeded running down the corridor. Heading for nowhere. I couldn't control my breath anymore, my stomach was trying to kill me and my heart made so loud noises that I thought it alone was able of unveiling my position.

"Stop, stay right where you are!" _Fuck you!_ Two more males ahead, both masked and just as confused as all the others. I bared my teeth as I spun at them and buried the blade right into the temple of the closest one. Blood ran down my hand as I ripped the cold steel out of his head. It felt so good; to hear the thud as he landed on the floor, it… it was a release to me.

They were shooting at me by this, only stunners of course, but it fed my force and I ran as twisted as a lightening bolt down the corridor. The noises of sinister energy hitting the walls aside me made me grin and run even faster.

Then I was no longer in control. The knife slipped out of my hand and fell down at the floor as a couple of strong arms was wrapped around me.

"Stop shooting! _Who the hell gave you permission?_" he bawled at the others and ignored my spasms. I tried to bite and rip his arms, to beat him, but he just ignored what I did to get rid of him. He was as solid as a rock and I was forced to accept that my attempt to escape had failed.

"She almost killed Xertac." one of the males spoke, insensitively revealing the name of his friend, "She carried a weapon and was aggressive. The Queen has sai-"

"- I don't _care_ about what the Queen said. You simply don't run about shooting at people when there are _children_ nearby." the male growled and seized his men with a couple of fiery golden yellow eyes, "You are dismissed. You can leave." He let go of me to wave his hand at them and watched them leave as a gang of whining dogs. Then he focused on me and pushed some of his long, silvery dreads out of his eyes. "What _is_ the meaning of this?" he asked as he poked the blood stained knife, "What in the name of all hive Queens do you think you're doing?" He was mad at me, as well as unaware of my sealed lips. I couldn't had spoken even if I had wished to, and I felt threatened once more. That was when Tiwek decided to show up again.

"She can't talk, brother." he interrupted from behind his brother. My capturer froze and then turned around to face his younger sibling.

"Is that so? Then how come there was no information on the matter?" his voice was filled with irritation, "This system is consuming my nerves." His brother swallowed.

"I guess it's not official, brother. She hasn't opened her mouth since she came here." I used their focused conversation to back away, slowly and silently. This was like a second chance, and oh, I'd be damned if I didn't get hold of it. "Nothing about her seems to be official," the brother continued, "not even the father. It's very odd." I stopped moving and took a deep breath, my own body felt poisoned and my every movement made me feel sick of myself. I was quicker than before when I got a grasp of the knife again. Tiwek reacted quicker than his older brother and spun at me, but it was almost too late, the blade was pressed against the skin against my stomach, blood was beginning to run to the wound. The slim male snatched the knife out of my grasp and used his other hand to grab me by my wrists as he forced me up against the wall. I kicked him, once, maybe twice, and stared at him, almost despiteful.

I was back in my room, doors locked, guards were watching my every step. Instead of freedom, I was under supervision.

I had failed, once more.

-

_Chapter two, Part two_

_Across the lines_

_- _

"No, we won't report this." I had made up my mind, "If the Queen doesn't inform us about things on this level, then why should we inform her? Besides, she has far more important things to reflect upon." No, I didn't believe in what I said, about the important things. Her thought of what was important didn't make any sense to me. One of the females had gone ballistic, but that couldn't really concern the Queen. What was the next request? To report every single accident? No way. Besides, she would approve of waving stunners around, I didn't need her approval on that. Guns were too much of a turn on for all the younger males, and it made me feel really tired.

"Whatever you say," Xertac spoke, "I almost died. If I had, wouldn't that matter to her?" I snorted at him.

"I'm sorry, Xertac, but you're just a minion. Get that shit into your head already." He was upset by my words, but didn't show it in any way. Nor did I care about it, or him. In general. Minions were practically created to die.

"Ledonian, people are beginning to get anxious. I think perhaps we shall call the Queen and make her come here. They need to see her face." I felt like moaning and shook my head. I didn't want to have her at _my_ base. The highest moron of them all… I didn't have the energy to invite her.

"I'm sure she'll visit us when she likes to. I am _not_ planning to force her to come here." I made it a point to respond angrily, the colonel of the involved minions growled at me.

"Everything you have to do is to move that lazy ass and send a fucking request. It's not going to _kill _you, Ledonian." That was enough, even more than enough. I sent him a cold glare.

"You've crossed the line several times, need I remember you that it's _I_ who command this base?" My voice was dark and I'm sure my glance was enough to make anyone shudder. The colonel raised as quick as if someone had lit a fire underneath his chair.

"Then maybe it's time to pick another leader." he hissed at me and almost drooled at my table. It didn't impress me at all. I'm not generally impressed by drool, mind it.

"You're too young to challenge me, so just sit down and shut up." my cold words crossed the table and I believe they slapped his face in a quite mocking way. I watched in enervation as he slowly took his seat again.

"I'm asking you of no more but to contact our Queen. I don't understand why it's so _hard_ for you to do that." he was angry, and I ignored it.

"The next time I learn that anyone has fired a single, fucking energy bolt, I will _personally_ gut the Wraith who's responsible." I sent my coldest glare at all my men, "You're all _dismissed_."

You see what kind of place I work in? It's going to be hard for me to keep the Queen away from this base… My excuses have begun to run short, I don't know if I have much time left to… If she comes here, I'm sure she'll destroy even more of this hive.

And it's painful to watch my children fade away into the mature world.

Every time a ship filled with younglings leaves orbit it feels as if I rip my heart out of my own chest. And I'm close to tears when their minds disconnect…

I don't know if I can do this anymore.

If I can handle myself anymore.

Each time I send younglings to connect with the Queen… it is as if I leave them to die or endure torture.

All what they are taught here, all what they learn and come to understand…

reality must be a disappointment.

I am the one who disappoints them. All the time.

I can't act no longer. To lie. To show them a world, a glory, which is as false as the future.

What will happen when I break?

Who will be there to pick up all the pieces?

When I close my eyes I can see them dying, falling, crying. I can see nothing but war and violence. A universe without love, without any kind of satisfaction. It's not my dreams. Not my nightmares. It's not an illusion.

What I see is the truth.

The boys are lucky. They get to stay here until they've matured. The girls have less of that kind. The Queen says that they have to learn the hard way, that they need to see reality as early as possible.

It makes me sick.

_Everything makes me wish that I could just close my eyes and step into a faked reality_.

If I do that, the Queen would win.

I've got to go on, I've got to keep my heart beating, my banned feelings have to stay. She wish to brain wash us all, but she will never win over me.

I'd rather die.


End file.
